Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Brainless Buckets!

WHAT? You don't wear a helmet? What the hell is wrong with you? You probably share heroin needles, practice unsafe sex in public bathrooms and shake your baby to stop it from crying. I bet you kick your dog too, you scumbag!

I'm here to tell you folks that there are people all over the world who don't wear helmets when they ride bikes. Yeah, it's true. Check out Copenhagencyclechic sometime. While you'll find plenty of pics of fresh young Danish beauties riding their Euro city bikes in high heels, you won't see many helmets in any of those gorgeous photos. Are the Dane's idiots? They're thinner and better looking than most of the folks here in the Midwest, so they can't be all that stupid. Try counting the helmets in this video of rush hour traffic in Copenhagen.

I'm not advocating for people to ride sans brain bucket. Au Contraire mon fraire. I say to each his own. If you aint' hurtin' nobody else I shouldn't give a rat's ass. If you want to risk becoming the next Gary Busey, be my guest. Maybe Doctor Drew will write you a script for Depakote too.

Treehugger has a post up today that blathers on about helmets. Not much new there. They restate the fact that helmets protect your noggin if you fall and it's safer to ride bikes where bikes have their own infrastructure, like in Denmark or the Netherlands. But they do link to this John Stossle bit from a couple of years ago.

John Stossel is a world class dick, but he did at least talk to Ian Walker, who authored a study in the UK that showed drivers were more likely to steer clear of riders who weren't wearing helmets. Walker concluded that cyclists pimped out in their fancy kits look more "professional" and therefore might not need to be avoided. Tell me something, does this guy look professional to you?

I'm hear to tell you people something. Either Ian Walker got it all wrong in his UK study, or more likely drivers here in America have a whole other way of looking at cyclists. You won't sell me on the idea that drivers in Michissippi crowd cyclists on the roads because they think fancy race kits and helmets prove the cyclist is capable of handling it. Hell no! They routinely run us off the roads because every cyclist they see looks to them like our friend in yellow tights! All those douche bags in mini vans and morons in their BMW SUVs look at your spanex clad rump as they drive up from behind and what they see is a homoerotic reminder that their mind strays to certain carnal thoughts more often then their rigid sense of their own sexuality should allow. Yeah, when they see you riding your tricked out Trek Madone and matching Astana 09 team kit, they want to run your ass over because they think you're gay.

You can argue with me all you want that most drivers aren't homophobes. And I'll tell you that most of them don't try to run me off the road. All it takes is an occasional jackhole to prove to me that Michigan has earned it's 3rd place on the list for Hate Crimes in these 50 States.

Does this mean that we shouldn't wear our club jerseys and helmet while riding to the Quickie Mart for a forty of St. Ides and a bag of Hot Stuff chips? No. It means that we need more infrastructure for bikes AND we need to stick up for our LGBT brothers and sisters! Put your Lid on, wrap your ass in spandex and get out on the roads! The more of us the better. Strength in numbers. Just like the Danes. The bigots are fast becoming an isolated minority in this country. Let's push them along a little faster.

Git on your bike and ride!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Monday Morning Roll-Out

The little lady pulled a podium spot last weekend at the Cohutta 100! She led the field early on, then suffered through a couple of mechanicals late that almost forced her out of the race.

Speaking of the Cohutta 100, mad props out to Jeff Schalk, who smoked the field on Saturday. The men's top five: Shalk, Bishop, Beck, Eatough, Simonson. Carey Lowery posted her first win on her home course, taking the women's overall. Not sure where my man Garth ended up. He was probably too drunk to answer his phone when I called him. Official results are now online.

Hecklejack ALMOST repeated at the Athens Twilight Crit, but settles for second.

What did you do at your office on Earth Day? Probably not this.

It's been 3 weeks and this knuckle dragger is still a worthless POS.

Maybe the hipster fixed gear craze is forgivable, but ain't no way I'm gonna roll with these guys.

The little lady and I do a lot of traveling. Not as much as some, but more than most. A lot of it is in our truck, which is comfortable enough. But after a week or more on the road I'm ready for home. Knowing what it's like on the road I gotta wonder what it's like to live for 4 years with your wife out of a set of panniers on a recumbent tandem?

Speaking of homeless people. Be on the look-out for this drifter. It's been reported that he's somewhere in the Pacific Northwest after evading capture in Fruita. Rumor has it that he's been scamming Social Security checks from little old ladies. Don't let him near your grandma!

Friday, April 24, 2009


The Breeders - Fate to Fatal

Enjoy the weekend!

Mitten State Weekend Preview

So you got time to kill this weekend and you're not one of the 10% of Michiganders who is unemployed? You've got money to burn and a Chevy Silverado full of gas to get you somewhere? Or maybe you ARE unemployed, but you're on the dole and living the High Life? At least till the unemployment runs out.

Uncle Bob's Magical Mystery Tour kicks off in Waterford, Michigan this Sunday (4/26). Uncle Bob has been hip to cycling almost as long has he's loved The Dead. That's a lot of love. Expect to see the RV and tent parked at the trail head all weekend. The Pontiac Lake Time Trial is the first race in the Tailwind MTB series this year. Beware! It's USAC sanctioned, so bring a bucket of money to buy a license.

There's a Mountain Bike Crit race at the BMX park in Bland Crapids on Saturday (4/25). If you're in the 616 and don't want to drive all over this sandbar of a State you can hit this race up for only $15.00!

Quick Release is hosting a spring training criterium (that's a skinny tire bike race) in Ann Arbor on Sunday (4/26). If anybody makes it to A2 stop by Grizzly Peak and pound a pint of Stout for me.

The Western Chapter of the MMBA is hosting a trail work day at Lutton Park (east of Rockford) And the Ionia Rec Area on Sunday (4/26).

Game 5 of the Griffins v. Bulldogs AHL first round playoff series is Friday Night (4/24) at The Van. The series is tied 2-2 and McCarty is still in town and playing with the Griffs. The Red Wings swept Columbus last night so you can save that $500 you hid from your wife for playoff tickets at The Joe and head to downtown Bland Crapids for some playoff hockey. Get there early and tip a few at Hop Cat, which has the best on on tap beer menu in the State.

Road Kill, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Deer Meat!

I got home last night with just enough time to squeeze in a 2 hour loop of pain north of town on the the roads. Everything went fine for the first half hour. As I crested the top of a long hill on Pettis out in the bucolic hamlet of Ada I noticed 5 or 6 does sprinting through a field (er..I mean McMansion subdivision). Up ahead a minivan, driver with cell-phone glued to her ear, was cruising along in the opposing lane, oblivious to the small herd.

I had just enough time to realize that I was going to witness a massacre, but no time to react.

The first doe made it across the road unscathed. The second was not so lucky. It went headlong into the front quarter panel. Then it arced up up into the air like a que ball bouncing off a break. Just when I started to realize that it's trajectory had radically changed, the airborne sack of venison steaks smashed into my left side.


Somehow, I managed NOT to crash. It glanced off my hip and shoulder, winged me, and ended up in the ditch in a twitching pile, about 50 feet from where it met it's end.

I quickly circled around to check on the driver of the grocery getter. She had pulled her mangled Chrysler Town & Country off to the side of the road. "Are you OK?" I shouted into her now open driver's side door. I had to repeat myself twice. She was still on her phone! Continuing on with some inane conversation. Apparently something was more pressing than the fact that she just totalled her car. She gave me a dirty look and said, "what do YOU want?"

"That deer that you hit flew through the air and hit me."

Without even acknowledging what I said she continued on with gossip session on her Crackberry.

The world is full of Stupid People and most of them have a cell phone stuck up their ass.

616 The Number Of The Beast

In all of North America there is only one 616 area code.  Only one place defined by the number of the beast.  But isn't 666 the number of the beast?  Nope.  That was some stupid clerical error.  Or maybe it was trickery?  Who knows.  But it can't be chance that the Headquarters of Scamway ended up in the 616, or that the 616 is the childhood home of Gerald Ford!  What more proof do you need?