Hell Of The North

The most useless bike in the world

2010-05-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

Bikes are inherently uncomplicated things. Frame, wheels, drivetrain, apply muscle power and go. Despite attempts at pointless "new" spins (pun intended) on drivetrain technology, components like the bicycle chain remain the most efficient way transfer power from our thighs to forward motion.

The cost of top shelf rides seems to have no ceiling. What's a Trek Madone cost these days? $9,000? Plenty of them on display even here in the 616. Come check out our local wednesday night hobby race. All that bike don't make no middle aged dudes any faster. Just like Cat 4 racers wearing shoe booties and slathering themselves with embrocation cream, it's all just posing, and probably a lot closer to those fat middle aged dudes you see on $20k Harley Davidsons than any of those leg shavers wants to admit. You want speed? You gotta do the work, man.

With so many Lexus driving boomers brandishing gold Amex cards ready to spend big to look like El Pistolero, every glorified "designer" of luxury goods is taking a stab at building bikes. So it's no suprise that Land Rover has crowned a winner in a contest to design the world's most pointless, useless and expensive boutique bicycle.

Graham Hetherington is an automotive design student at Coventry University. His LR-1 bicycle design recently won a regional design contest sponsored by Land Rover. In the competition, students from selected schools across the UK were given the opportunity to create a bike based on the Land Rover design language.

What does it mean to design a bike in the "Land Rover design language?" How does one apply the aesthetic trappings of grossly overpriced eurotrash SUVs to a bicycle? The answer seems to be in ignoring the utility and simplicity of bikes as transportation and instead doing to urban commuter bicycles what Land Rover did to trucks. Namely, building a crazy expensive piece of plastic that only the wealthy could afford to purchase, ride and leave pinned to a bike rack with a U lock.

his bike is “aimed specifically at a professional individual, with expendable income and a passion for cycling.” The bike is envisioned as a high-end urban commuter for that target customer. The belt drive drivetrain consists of a single 38-tooth chainring with a 14 speed internally geared hub to give the clean appearance of a single speed with the functionality of a geared bike. A lithium ion battery encased in the frame would power the integrated LED lights in the seat post and fork.

As is often said, it ain't the bike it's the motor! And if the motor is a tool, I guess the Land Rover design language is an appropriate interpretation to jam between one's legs. I have an old friend who's one of the most down to earth pro racers out there. The guy wins a lot of races. But it doesn't go to his ginger head. A few years back after college and before he signed any kind of real contract the dude was winning races on a Burley steel road frame. I remember going out on a ride with him once and he'd wrapped his drop bars with duct tape. Guess what, none of that ever slowed him down. He could knock your dick in the dirt if he was riding an 88 Schwinn Le Tour. And while it's always fun to sport a slick new ride, it doesn't make you any faster.

You can't buy cool. Cool is something you make yourself. Maybe a rule of thumb ought to be that whether you ride on top of or inside anything with a Land Rover moniker on it you've probably strayed way too far off the rails.

Cool Shit for Friday!

2010-05-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

Dans Dans Dans

$0$

Doin' it for the Homies!

Cats suck!

Original Sin

2010-03-09T17:13:00.000-08:00

Filippo Pozzato is one fast wop. The guy has some big wins under his olive oil stained chamois. And he knows it. He also has an interesting column over at cyclingnews. It's chock full of awkward babblefish translated english and smack talk. My favorite bits....

I'll try not to be boring in the blog because I hate anything that is bland, but hopefully via this blog you'll gain a better idea of what I'm really like as person as well as a bike rider.

During the Tour of Qatar you might have seen a photograph of my back showing my tattoos. I'm in the middle of having a huge carp done, because in eastern culture it's a fish that's supposed to bring good luck.

I didn't know that Pozzato was from China. Why doesn't anybody these days get symbolic tattoos that utilize the language of their mother tongue? Why is it that drunks walk into tattoo shops and immediately point to the Japanese "ichiban" symbol and say, "Yeah, stamp that fucker somewhere my parents won't see it!" Pozzato doesn't stop there, though. He goes on and on...

The writing across my shoulders says: "Only God can judge me". I had it done as a message to all those people who like to judge me without ever having really gotten to know me. It's easy to be judgmental but the truth is there's only one person who can judge us.

If people judge me on my hairstyle or the colour of my shoes, then they're the ones who are superficial because they judge me on how I look, not on who I really am.

I know that some people think I'm the David Beckham of the peloton, but since Beckham has played for AC Milan, he's proved he's a great athlete as well as a global sports star.

Huh? All that fast and you can't come up with something more original than that? No wonder Rome fell.

Pozzato's column reminded of another well inked cyclist. One who's still pushing the pedals after a couple of decades of trash talk.

The difference between Palmer and Pozzato, of course, couldn't be any more obvious. Palmer didn't bother with babblefish and he wouldn't have compared himself to David Beckham. No, Palmer compared himself to himself. Shaun Palmer, like him or hate him, was an original. Maybe he was a world class asshole. But he was a Rock Star of an asshole. Pozzato not so original. Not even very rock star. If you're going to smack talk, tattoo lame shit on your back and start calling home runs when you get up to bat, you better be batting a thousand.

Barry Rigged

2010-03-09T03:48:00.000-08:00

The SS Rig rises is primed and ready for action. Barry Roubaix in 3 weeks!

Rider Down

2010-02-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

Another Michigan cyclist lost on the road.

At 77, Lawrence "Larry" Walcott loved riding his bike and by all estimates had ridden well more than 100,000 miles in too many races to count.
His son, Phil, said his father was training for the Jalapeno 100 mile bike race in Harlingen, Texas, on Feb. 8 with sea breezes from the Gulf of Mexico propelling him along a state highway not far from Corpus Christi.
The Texas Department of Public Safety reports that the Holland Motors retiree and Korean War Army veteran turned his bike in front of a vehicle traveling on State Highway 188 and was killed when he was struck in Rockport, Texas.
Walcott and his wife of 55 years, Jean, both of Jenison, were staying at an RV park not far from the scene of the crash.
Walcott was pronounced dead at the scene by a justice of the peace and no charges have been filled in the incident.

Roll Call

2010-02-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

What's going out there, cruel world? It's February and in the upper midwest we're all cooped-up, counting the days till that big thaw. This deep into the winter there's no way to describe the cabin fever that seeps into your bones. Unless you live above the snow line all I can say is that it's a Michigan thing, you wouldn't understand. What? you say you live even farther North? Well, then I probably come off as a real whining prick. I guess then it sucks to be you.

So what's the going's on these dark days in the 616?

A ways east of here our friends in Dexter (Washtenaw county) are fighting the good fight against a hoard of NIMBY anti trail nazis. Keep fighting, Jones!

There's a new mountain bike team in town. Farm Team Racing promises to promote the cause of Elite weekend beer drinking fast as Hell trail bike racers. Take your bike club membership apps somewhere else, cause Farm Team is invite only. You think you can hang with the Farm Team? Yeah, I don't think so...

Farm Team got itself a race. Couple of 'em. Versluis Snowcross 1 and 2 are in the bag. Results at the Farm Team Blog. Photos over at Jack's.

Were you hoping to race Lumberjack this year? Looks like you're too late! The Lumberjack 100 is full. Sold out in 12 hours. According to "Old Joe" over on the East Side, it's all the fault of a bunch of "chodes!"

The sellout frenzy was fueled in part by all the chatter on the mmba.org bb....a lot of weekend warriors and chodes want to jump on the endurance race bandwagon and don't really care about the full NUE series..

Got that? If you ain't a real pro who races a million ultras a year, you're a frickin' chode who's taking up space. At least according to Old Joe.....or should we call him Art? And just what kind of a guy is Art?

This sounds completeley typical of this guy, but let's review what has lead to his belief that he is of the standing of "Legend". In 1996 he travelled to Australia and won a Masters World Championship in XC (his age group, whatever that was then). Yes, he is a World Champion. In 1997 and 1998 he returned to racing the local mtb Expert scene amongst the "chodes" in 50+ Expert and couldn't win. That's right, one year after an incredible victory he could not win locally in 1997. Two years ago he was diagnosed with DVT (blood clotting in the legs) while training for Leadville in Colorado. Typical of an arrogant person, he drove back home across the country to see his own physician with zero regard for what should happen if he were to pass out or have a heart attack and take out some innocent, unsuspecting motorists. BTW, DVT is linked to the possible abuse of EPO for those that may not know. He is in impressive shape for somebody his age, I would not discount that for a minute, but he loves to let everybody know just how great he believes he is too.

For Old Joe, I'll borrow a quote from your own signature on another board, "Be the person your dog already believes you are". Time to heed your own advice...

EPO, shitty attitude...thanks for representing, Art. Thanks for reminding us all that in every State in America there's some dip-shit who thinks he's better than the rest of us "chodes."

Gotta leave it there. Peace out.

Back From The Brink

2009-10-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

Iggy Pop, 32 years ago on the Dinah Shore show. Iggy gives props to Detroit and Ann Arbor.

Then he rocks out, with David Bowie on keyboards and two of Soupy Sales' kids in the band. Thanks to boing boing...

Soupy Sales died last week. The guy was muched loved in Michigan.

Rider Down. Driver Down.

2009-10-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Bad news. Another Michigan man pays the ultimate price while riding his bike on the road.

John DeStefanis was riding his bicycle to meet friends on Saturday night in Clinton Township, but he never made it.

A driver struck DeStafanis, 41, of Roseville, less than a block from his destination, leaving him on life support in a local hospital.

"They found his body in the middle of Gratiot," said his girlfriend Diane Ferschneider.

"They're talking about maybe taking him off life support tomorrow. And he's a father. He's a good man."

DeStafanis has five children, and friends say that despite a rocky past, he had turned his life around in recent years.

Witnesses say a dark blue sports car struck him. It may now have front-end damage.

It's an old story, right? Hit and run. Cyclist in the hospital and close to dead. There's even the local cyclists arguing whether the rider was an ignorant bike salmon or a "legit" member of the lycra set.

But this one ends a little differently than the typical "Corvette Driver Hits Cyclist and Gets Away With It" story.

With police zeroing in on him, the key suspect in a hit-and-run accident that left a bicyclist brain dead took his own life early Tuesday on the bike path outside of Metro Beach, according to police.

A man riding a bicycle on the bike path found the man’s body about 6:35 a.m. near the intersection of 16 Mile and Jefferson. A shotgun the suspect used to kill himself was found near the body, according to the Macomb County Sheriff’s Office.

“He left a couple of notes, one in his truck and one in his home, but I wouldn’t categorize the contents as a confession,” said sheriff’s Capt. Tony Wickersham.

The suspect, a 38-year-old St. Clair Shores resident, was being sought for questioning in an Oct. 4 accident on Gratiot, near Quinn, in Clinton Township that left John Destefanis with critical injuries.

I don't even know what to say. Two lives lost. A cyclist meets his end on the road, and the driver who took him out dies by his own end on a bicycle trail head. WTF?

Vacation Weekend Craptacular

2009-09-19T05:21:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation. Today. Officially. Unlike the Italians or French who take a month long national holiday every summer I'm doing things the American way. taking a week off and I'm going to Vegas, baby! That means gorging myself on $19 buffets. Giant cocktails by the pool. Overpriced versions of off broadway shows.

Before I go there's a few things to lay on the table. Stuff to get off my chest. Yeah, more ranting. And some props.

First off, Sue George gives mad props where props are due to a guy who put the pros on the ropes this year. A working stiff, who punches the clock 40+ hours per week. Christian Tanguy ripped up the pros this year in the NUE Series. He beat almost all of them. At the finish line of the Shenandoah 100 Bishop put it all on the line to beat Tanguy by only 20 seconds. But who was sprinting? Tanguy thought there was 2 miles of trail left! Christian is a down to earth French expat who now lives in Michigan. No pro ride, but the real deal.

"Christian is the revelation of the NUE series this year. His fitness is world class," said fellow competitor and Shenandoah Mountain 100 winner Jeremiah Bishop (MonaVie / Cannondale). "He's opening some eyes for sure."

The 34-year-old Tanguy placed second at the Mohican 100 and the Lumberjack 100 races earlier this season. In August, he finished second at the Wilderness 101 and he won the Fool's Gold 100. Last weekend, he was second at the Shenandoah Mountain 100.

This weekend is race number two of the Midwest Triple Crown, Chequamegon. How does Simonster train for such a race? By Motopacing! Mike Simonson has won The Iceman AND Ore To Shore. But Chequamegon has eluded him. Will this be the year?

While Tanguy is moving up in the world and Simonster is riding his Superfly behind a subcompact hatchback on a gravel road somewhere, the fight against Sport Class Women racers continues.

Why do they always start the sport women before the beginner men? There is always this big, race-deciding log jam in the single track section. It sucks for the guys to be stuck in "traffic", and it just HAS to suck for the ladies to be getting passed all the time.

Yeah, why do they start faster people before slower people? Oh wait. Here's a tip, dude. If you race beginner and the Sport people in front of you are in your way, it means you're not supposed to be racing beginner. It makes for good comedy, though. There's nothing funnier than an internet fight between sandbaggers over trail etiquette.

It could be worse. Instead of being a sandbagging tool who is edging his way into a healthy sport with a cool subculture, the guy could be a right wing closet racist who can't stomach the fact that an articulate black man is the president.

SM100

2009-09-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Early results from the finish line

Men
1. Bishop
2. Tanguy
3. Schalk
4. Jakomait
5. Koerber
6. Draugelis
7. Kuhn

Women
1. Haywood
2. Shogren
3. Lowery
4. Musto
5. Simril

Did Glenn Beck Rape and Murder a Girl in 1990?

2009-09-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

“Did Glenn Beck Rape and Murder a Girl in 1990?”

A Treasury of Dirt Bag Videos!

2009-09-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard someone say "I'd ride my bike more if I only had somewhere to park it." What if the problem wasn't parking, but finding it again?

Bicycle Rights! Bicycle Rights!

Let's make S'mores! WTF is wrong with people in LA? I remember riding through the hills over Oakland, CA the year after the fires burned most of the hills above East Oakland. Lots of charred foundations up there. Ride through those hills today and there's nothin' but overpriced homes, bigger n' badder than they were before those fires. Wonder how long that'll last?

Let's make S'mores!

Californians Gather To Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition

I'm a Skeptic and an atheist, but I'd read this bible.

Book of Genesis illustrated by R. Crumb from Mark Frauenfelder on Vimeo.

Please, Please, Please let them get what they want this time.

OUCH!

OUCH!

Fuss Vom Gas

Double Down!

2009-08-25T19:06:00.001-07:00

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' bout! Gimme some a that KFC, yo!

Fresh off that news.....

Obese People Have 'Severe Brain Denegration'

A new study finds obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. Their brains look 16 years older than the brains of lean individuals, researchers said today.

Those classified as overweight have 4 percent less brain tissue and their brains appear to have aged prematurely by 8 years.

The results, based on brain scans of 94 people in their 70s, represent "severe brain degeneration," said Paul Thompson, senior author of the study and a UCLA professor of neurology.

"That's a big loss of tissue and it depletes your cognitive reserves, putting you at much greater risk of Alzheimer's and other diseases that attack the brain," said Thompson. "But you can greatly reduce your risk for Alzheimer's, if you can eat healthily and keep your weight under control."

Maybe that explains why someone would actually eat a sandwich made of two pieces of deep fried chicken hugging bacon and melted cheese food.

Crazy food ideas that'll make you fat aren't new. 80 years ago some dude filed a patent for a banana ice cream injector.

Yeah, that's a banana.

If you have any doubt that Americans are nuts when it comes to their health, take a gander at how the crack-pots act at those Heath Care Town Hall Meetings. Even John McCain feels their anti health wrath.

There's nothing like watching a bunch of fat AARP members, who are probably on Medicare and Social Security, scream like maniacs that they don't want the government instituting "socialism."

Saturday Night Video Fun

2009-08-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

I figured all the gun nuts showing up at Health Care Town Hall Meetings with firearms would like this video.

She's the Man

2009-08-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

There's a ruckus brewin' in the world of international track & field.

"A female runner accused of being a man tonight took gold in the 800m World Athletics Championship.
South African Caster Semenya, 18, had to take a gender test after doubts were raised about her sex.
But despite the furore, she easily took gold in the final in Berlin.

The teenage sensation has sparked controversy over her strikingly muscular physique.
Today officials at the world athletics body, the IAAF, revealed that it ordered her to take a gender test three weeks ago.
IAAF spokesman Nick Davies confirmed the tests were taking place, though he said the results would not be confirmed for several weeks."

I don't even know what to say about this brew-ha-ha. It's like the past 100 years of anti-feminism dumped on this poor 18 year old all in one massive media disaster. She's too fast, therefore she mustn't be a she. She's too "muscular," therefore she must be a he.

She doesn't fit everyone's stereotype of what a woman should be, so she's gotta be......must be a guy.

The sad part of this is she just won Worlds and instead of being celebrated she's being turned into a joke. And how will the world apologize when, after blood tests, psychiatric tests and a gynecological exam it turns out that all the haters were just stupid men thinking with their.....

This is nothing new, women upsetting society's idea of what they're supposed to be. Society abhors a standout that isn't also a man. What kind of message does that send to kids? Don't step out of line girls, or the world governing body of sport will send you to a shrink and inspect your genitalia.

Rebecca Rusch wins Leadville, gets 6 sentences at Velonews

2009-08-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Velonews has an article online this weekend covering the much hyped Leadville 100 race, which took place August 15. Of course, the focus of the article was on Lance Armstrong, Dave Wiens and a handful of the other top male finishers in the race. Armstrong's decision to target Leadville this year brought a lot of attention to the race. That's good for the Leadville 100 and it's good for mountain biking. The media shines it's bright lights on Mountain Biking rarely, and even more rarely (even in cycling circles) is there any substantial coverage of ultra distance racing.

So, don't get me wrong. I would never get may boxers up in a bunch and go online and diss Lance Armstrong like a lot of weekend warriors have been doing all summer on the intertubes. And as far as the Velonews piece that was posted on their website this weekend I don't want anybody to think I'm even criticizing the author. Like I said, any coverage is good coverage.

What irks me is the fact that the woman's race got barely even a mention. Following the typical cycling media report format, the article (as of today) contains 734 word and 22 paragraphs. 5 brief sentences AT THE BOTTOM of the story are dedicated to the fact that Rebecca Rusch won the women's race.

"Rebecca Rusch (Redbull-Specialized) won the women's race in about 8:15. It was the first Leadville for the two-time 24-hour solo world champion, and her win didn't come easy.

While the men's leaders got over the Columbine climb without too much bad weather, Rusch was stuck in a stingy sleet storm above treeline. Returning to lower elevations, she faced a stiff headwind much of the way back to Leadville.

Still, the Sun Valley, Idaho, resident praised the Leadville race for its friendly community and fellow racers.

"The whole vibe was great," she said. Having never raced or ridden the Leadville course, Rusch rode with a self-drawn map taped to her top tube, showing the major climbs.

She was not getting time splits on her position relative to the other women.

"I was pretending the guys were women and I got a scare near the end when I came up on a guy wearing pink," she said.

The headline in large red font at the top of the article reads "Armstrong Wins Leadville 100." In black much smaller font below the headline a second line reads "Rusch wins women's title." Shouldn't the headline be one line (all the same font size) that reads: "Armstrong and Rusch Win Leadville Titles!" Or better yet, how about "Rusch and Armstrong win Leadville Titles."

I have to give Rebecca some major props for that win. Rebecca is an ultra power house. She's won some huge races, including 24 Nationals and multiple 24 Hour world championships. She's raced all over the world. And she's a cool as hell person on top of all that. Plus, Rebecca had to beat Amanda Carey. Prior to the race I would have called it in favor of Amanda. Amanda had done Leadville before, and had been training on the Leadville course this summer. Unfortunately, anybody checking out the Velonews article wouldn't know any of that. Amanda's name doesn't even appear in the article.

Luckily, mtbracenews.com has a couple of paragraphs mentioning both women at the bottom of their Leadville Article:

"In the women’s race it was 2-time 24 Hour World Champion Rebecca Rusch (Specialized/Red Bull) taking the lead early. Unlike the men, Rusch opened up a gap early and held on throughout the 100-mile event.

Her chief rival, Amanda Carey (Kenda/Tomac/Hayes) suffered a flat tire in the opening miles of the race and she never fully recovered from the mechanical. Carey held the time gap steady at 14 minutes over the first 50 miles and even took some time back on the Columbine climb but that was the closest she would get to the leader.

The endurance specialist Rusch clearly had something left in the tank as she hammered her way back to the finish, eventually crossing the line at 8.14.53. Carey held onto the runner-up spot 26 minutes behind Rusch."

With all the media attention focused on Armstrong, it would be nice to introduce the thousands of people who might not have otherwise followed the goings on at Leadville to the fact that some very accomplished women also threw down on that infamous course yesterday. If all the coverage does is mention a guy we already know and admire, what good is all that attention for the other half of the pros at the race, the women who ride as hard and sacrifice just as much to be there? It seems like such a huge opportunity to introduce them with more than a few token words about the women's race.

When I run across the women's full results I'll post them below. In the mean time, good job Rebecca, Amanda and all the rest of the women who started the race yesterday. Some of us were checking the results all afternoon yesterday just to see how YOU did!

Ore To Shore....And Back Again!

2009-08-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting my Ore To Shore race report, which I originally put up last week the Twin Six site:

Last week we loaded up the truck and pointed it North for the seven hour drive to Marquette, Michigan for this year’s running of the Ore To Shore. I hadn’t competed at Ore to Shore for four years. The last two times to Marquette I did hand-ups and support for my wife and sister-in-law. This time I was back in the mix.

Unfortunately for me, my three top 25 finishes were old news for the promoter. Since I’d been away so long I wasn’t awarded a preferred start. “Come on,” I argued at Friday’s registration, “I used to be fast!” But the promoter wasn’t having any of it.

Race day arrived, cool and wet. Grey skys covered the area following overnight rain. We arrived at the line one and a half hours early, only to find that the start area in Negaunee was already filling up with bikes. I wedged mine between the dozens of others and attempted to keep warm, while my wife enjoyed the fruits of being a legit pro with a preferred start. She got to warm up on her bike, her preferred start was secure.

The 600+ rider mass start came soon enough. Time flies when you’re standing around with hundreds of other damp cyclists on a cold U.P. morning. The flat, paved roll-out of Negaunee instantly became a big ring sprint. Memories of Ore To Shores past flittered through my mind as I sprinted and elbowed my way through the throng of riders. Time was running out, though. A mile and a half later the course turned to the dirt and soon after we were hitting the big grassy toboggan hill where the real race selection is made. Get to the top with the leaders and you’re in the game. Miss that selection and you’ll be chasing the next 46 miles downhill to Marquette. At the top of the massive hill a spectator was counting riders outloud. “54!” I heard him shout as I rode by.

A few miles later I was chasing the leaders. I hit a stretch of pavement rolling through Ishpeming. Up ahead I could see a large group of three or four dozen people. That was as close as I’d get to the front of the race.

The rest of the 2009 Ore To Shore became what felt like a long long time trial. Now and then I’d catch lone riders who’d been shelled off the back of that original lead pack. Near the midpoint at Missery Hill I shouldered my bike and put a huge gap on a large group of riders who’d been on my wheel. 6 miles later an infamous stretch of pavement they scooped me back up. 12 on the road roll a lot faster than one. I took a breather in that group, then hit the gas again when we reached the dirt for the last 18 or so miles.

The last third of the race was a blur. Head down and spinning away, I managed to hold off everyone behind me exept one. I blew past a few lonely straglers as I neared the finish line. When it was all over I’d crossed the line in 28th place overall (2:42), only a minute out of the money. It was my worst finish at Ore To Shore, but since this has been a rebuilding year for me (after 3 years of injury and rehab) I had to be happy with the result. My legs actually felt really good.

My wife came in not far behind for 3rd overall. Once we’d both caught our breath we made our way out to route 41 and spun our bikes for another hour for the ride back to Negaunee to pick up our car from the start line. Ore To Shore 2009 was history. Bring on 2010!

R.I.P.

2009-08-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

Our hearts go out to Elden and the kids. Susan inspired so many people.

"Susan died tonight (August 5) at 7:25pm. It was a hard, long day, and Susan fought right to the end, for much longer than anyone would have thought she could.

My mom, my sisters Kellene and Jodi, and my Brother-in-Law Rocky were all here to support my family as Susan passed away.

I’ll have more to say soon, but consider this. Susan inspired me to expand the focus of my blog from nothing but bike-related jokes to a serious and pitched fight against cancer."

Adios Amigo!

2009-08-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

Kirk O'Bee is out this time. Probably for good.

The Bissell Pro Cycling team issued a terse press release Friday noting that it had dismissed Kirk O’Bee for a contract breach that involved a violation of the team’s “zero-tolerance policy” regarding performance-enhancing drugs.

Short on specifics, the team’s statement referred to “actions (that) are an isolated incident that occurred independently and without the knowledge of both team management and his teammates.”

The team also noted that O’Bee is now cooperating with both the U.S. and World Anti-Doping Agencies to address an apparent doping violation.

O’Bee, too, issued a statement noting that he regrets “that a mistake I made as an individual will reflect poorly on the entire sport. I’d especially like to apologize to my teammates and to my sponsors, and hope that my actions will not damage their good names.”

If the case is pursued by USADA, O'Bee could face up to a life-time suspension for a second doping violation.

Kind of sad when half your Wiki Page is about your doping problem.

Kirk O'Bee (born April 9, 1977 in Ada, Michigan) is a professional road racing cyclist from the United States. O'Bee is a three-time United States national champion: in 1997, O'Bee captured the USPRO Championship in pursuit; followed in 2001 to become the USPRO Criterium Champion. In 2007, he again won the USPRO Criterium Championship in Downers Grove, IL, while finishing second overall in the race to Canadian Martin Gilbert. In 2002, Kirk O'Bee received a one-year suspension from professional cycling due to an elevated testosterone to epitestosterone ratio as a result of testing performed at the 2001 US Professional Cycling Championships. O'Bee declared that his positive drug test "resulted from a special training regimen recommended by his coach, which involved dietary supplements and exercise."
On July 31, 2009, O'Bee was fired by the Bissell Pro Cycling Team for an apparent doping violation

O'Bee is from the 616. His title sponsor, Bissell, is also here in my home town. I'd like to say he is a local hero. But you can't be a hero when you end your career like that.

Right Wing Scum VS. Reality

2009-07-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

I've been to Amsterdam. The place is pretty damn safe. Even the homeless (who are few) are polite. If society there is falling apart I'm all for it. Please bring some of that anarchy over here.

Steaming Piles of Bike Poo

2009-07-27T19:09:00.001-07:00

For a couple of weeks I avoided the intertubes. Lots of work. Lots of riding. I DVRd Le Tour every day and rushed home from work to watch the action. Thank the gods for Digital Video Recorders. Three weeks ago I went out to the Rockies (Breck and Colorado Springs). Needless to say that daily rides above the tree line and ample supplies of liquids from Breckenridge Brewery put me in quite a state. It took me a while to catch up since getting back.

With the Tour over it's time to look at second half of the cycling season. Seems that while the rest of us are thinking ahead to Cross Season and counting the remaining days of summer, The 2009 Tour Champion is acting like an inglorious SOB!

“My relationship with Lance Armstrong is non-existent. Even if he is a great champion, I have never had admiration for him and I never will,” the Contador said. “On this Tour, the days in the hotel were harder than those on the road. It was a delicate situation, very tense, the two riders who had most weight on the team did not have an easy relationship and that puts the rest of the technical staff and the riders in an uncomfortable position.”

I've been a Contador fan for while now. They guy is gifted. Hard not to be impressed by a guy who's won all three grand tours. If you truly appreciate the sport you want to see guys like Contador ride. Guys like him and Armstrong are history makers. Contador is Kobe. Armstrong is Jordan. Get it?

So Contador mouths off like an immature jerk and what's Lance's response? Lance the arrogant prick. Lance, the guy who made fun of Pantani's "elephant ears." Lance, the man the French fans loved to hate?

“Seeing these comments from AC. If I were him I’d drop this drivel and start thanking his team. w/o them, he doesn’t win.”

“hey pistolero, there is no “i” in “team”. what did i say in March? Lots to learn. Restated.”

Sounds like a new Lance. I liked the old Lance. But I like this one even more. There's no "I" in team, Poonta! Look at the photo. Every one of those dudes left it on the road for you. EVERY one of them.

Time to switch gears. How about NO gears?

While I spent a week in Colorado with no bullshit the rest of the world was piling it on. As soon as I started catching up on my email I found a piece of spam in my in box that verified beyond all doubt that the hipster fixie craze is over: Urban Outfitters now sells Fixies.

Buy yourself a pair of skinny jeans, white leather belt and too small print hoodie, then plop a multi color bike in your shopping cart. Check out with your moms Amex and you're good to go. Hip has never so easy, thanks to the folks who brought you used Levis at new prices and flannel shirts only your grandpa would love.

For every stupid idea, though, there's a less obvious good one. Like oatmeal stout ice cream.

My old friend Bernie Chihuahua used to take his Founders Oatmeal Stout with a scoop of Hudsonville Vanilla. Probably just as tasty.

While I was dreaming of beer ice cream and sipping Fat Tire in Colorado Lance Armstrong was teasing hoards of cycling fan boys with a promise to be back next year with a bigger and better team. Looks like it's Team Radioshack!

Yeah, Radioshack! That place your dad bought his CB Radio, and your grandparents bought you that cool set of walkie-talkies back in the day.

While Lance was holding his tongue at The Tour. The little lady fought the good fight and managed to finish 5th at the Breckenridge 100 last week. Altitude sickness, nausea and some screwed up organization didn't get her down. Why is it so hard to properly mark a race course? The week before we were lucky enough to catch two stages of the Breck Epic. An award should be given to the Epic's promoter, who set a great example for how to mark a course: easy to see, bright and frequent signs with arrows at every intersection and turn!

To prove that performance ain't about the bike it's the motor, I submit the LaLond freak bike.

LaLonde's weapon of choice is what he likes to call the "GT Freak Bike", a GT Zaskar hardtail frame with a rigid fork, 29er front wheel, 26 inch rear wheel, and all of it is powered by a singlespeed drivetrain.

Mark LaLond has been crushing the field in the Midwest for years. And he doesn't need a 30 speed $7,000 plastic bike to do it. What's the moral of this story? Save your money, buy a six year old bike on ebay and throw half the components away. Oh yeah, then train your ass off and get fast as hell.

Helmet Saves Cyclist Life

2009-07-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

I can't even come up with an ironic and snide comment on this. What kind of a sick SOB shoots a guy for riding a bike with his child?

ASHEVILLE, N.C. -- A driver, now identified as an Asheville firefighter, shot a bicycle rider because he was angry the man was riding with his child on a busy road, Asheville police said.

Officers said the victim was riding with his wife and had his 3-year-old son in a child seat attached to his bicycle when a driver approached him. Police said the driver, Charles Diez, claimed he was upset that the victim was bike riding with his child on the heavily traveled Tunnel Road.

Hecklejacked

2009-06-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ladies, say goodbye to a Rock Star! My man Hecklejack goes off the market on Friday. Yep. He's gettin' married on Windmill Island in three days.

That dude is one fast as hell hollander. He's won a lot of races. And he's still a young buck. The photo above is Mark getting a "podium shot" after winning the Athens Twilight Crit in 2007.

I got plenty of stories about this guy. But I think he probably remembers that night in Athens more than any crazy shit I could tell you about him. Like a bone-headed ride late one winter at a secret training camp in North Carolina. I had to rescue his big ginger ass from the top of a mountain with my Subaru Outback. The Dutchman was wacked, it was 45 degrees and he sucked down a dozen donuts on the ride back to the cabin. Or the time I dropped him (the only time I ever dropped him) on a ride up Yellow Creek road. Ha Ha.....

Those were the days. But no more. Hecklejack is a legit pro, I'm a fat old man and I don't think I'll be dropping him on any ride ever again.

Ain't No Warrior

2009-06-29T16:49:00.001-07:00

I don't care what anybody says, all men like to think of themselves as warriors. Guys want to pretend that firing up their X Box or playing golf on the weekend gets them in touch with their aggression. I can buy that some if you're talking about blood sports maybe, but even killing a deer ain't much of a sport when you're using a rifle and scope.

Mountain bikers like to think of themselves that way. Ever seen a couple of Sport Class dudes scream at each other at a mountain bike race? It's quite a sight. With all that weekend warrior testosterone oozing from their chubby pores, the antics of a 15 mile mountain bike race can set a dude on fire. Cut em' off on the trail or worse yet, be some unlucky slower chick blocking Joe Racer's path to glory and you're gonna hear it!

All dudes think they're warriors. Me included. But the truth is I ain't no Mickey Ward. I'm the dude who ducks under the table in a bar fight. I can get amped up for a race, though. I've talked wild shit because of it. One year I told everybody all summer that I was going to win the Wilderness 101. Instead I got schooled by Mike Keefer and Skip Brown and ended up just far enough back not to make it into the Wilderness Wiki. I ain't no warrior.

Last weekend I found myself on the line at the Stony Creek marathon. Still too far out of shape to line up with the big dogs in elite. But I hadn't lost any Expert races yet this year. Three laps in and right on the tail of some dude who should have been racing in Elite I went down on a wood boardwalk and hit my ass so hard I almost crapped myself right there on the trail. At the three lap mark (halfway) I bailed.

DNF!

The little lady pulled off a good one, though. Maybe she's the warrior.

Michigan Hardcore

2009-06-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be hardcore?

No, this isn't another one of my punk rock posts. Hardcore means taking the hits. It means getting back up and doing it again and again until you stick the landing. Evel was hardcore. Had to be. How many times did he crash? How many times did get right back on the bike!

Hardcore means pain. Tons of pain. Trainloads of pain. Pain from one end of your body to the to other. You can't be hardcore until pain has crushed you. It means giving failure the bird and dealing with the consequences. It means breaking your bones and gettting back on the bike. Hardcore is the difference between ordinary or being fucking amazing.

My wife is Hardcore.

I'll leave all the details to her. She tells the tale of the 2009 Lumberjack like it was another day at the races. Like it was just another podium finish. But the truth is that the difference between a good mountain biker and a great mountain biker is that the great one can take a thousand times more pain.

Each lap was 25 miles long and after the first lap Scott informed me that I was in 3rd place and 4-5 minutes behind Betsy Shogren (the female race leader). I wanted to make up time in the 2nd lap and tried to pick it up a bit. I was having a little too much fun on the downhills and hit one downhill WAY too fast. The bottom of the downhill had a bunch of wet roots that you had to turn on and you can probably imagine the rest...

65 miles later she finished in third and after the obligatory podium photos we drove to the ER in Manistee so she could have the dead tissue cut away from her knee. 2 hours after that we were back in the cabin in Brethren with Jeff, Chris and Roger (from Trek) and Nam and Eddie (from Topeak/Ergon). Talk that night was about that long day, Jeff's second Lumberjack win in a row. How bad ass Danielle was riding 60 miles with a smashed knee. How great Michigan micro brew is. How Jeff and Chris are going to kick ass at the BC Bike Race.

You can check out my "official" full race report at mtbracenews.com .

Another day at the races. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary.

Breaking Away

2009-06-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

Nice pic, eh? Look at all those scary skinny Euro dudes climbing a mountain during this year's Dauphine, reminding us why they're worth millions of Euros a year in salary and endorsement deals. Just look at that field! Right there, all the way on the right in the black and white BMC kit is Brent Bookwalter. Brent is from the 616. He rode for my old shop team when he was in high school. He's won multiple National Collegiate championships. That dude was kicking my ass on a mountain bike when he was 16 years old. And now the kid is mixing it up with the big (er little) guys back in the old country.

Give em' hell, Brent!

The Long Hangover

2009-06-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

After game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals I couldn't bring myself to update this freakin' blog. Looking back at the playoffs I realized that I'd skipped at least 4 rides over a three week period (so i wouldn't miss the start of several playoff games). I was pissed. Man, I was pissed! I came out of the NHL playoffs with what felt like a Hockey hangover. One that didn't go away until several days of work, rides and ample amounts of IPA.

The hangover is over. This will be my last Anti Penguins (and Hockey) post of the summer. Now, back to my regularly scheduled Program.

Wizard of Oz

2009-06-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I bailed. There was an actual mountain bike race on a sweet trail up north (Hanson Hills) and I bailed. Saturday night I stayed up late to watch The Wings humiliate The Penguins in game 5. After that and a growler of Centennial IPA I didn't even bother setting my alarm. A lot of other guys showed up, though. Despite a night of thunderstorms and morning forecast of chill and wet, a crowd of hardcore mountain bikers managed a pilgrimage to Grayling Michigan and and kicked some ass. Mad props to Mike Anderson. The 20 year old, too young to even drink his sponsor's beer, took top honors the Elite Men's race.

Catch ya next time, guys.

Speaking of The Red Wings..... Tuesday night could be the night. Wings up 3-2 versus Penguins. The Game is in Pittsburgh but Detroit has the Wizard of Oz.

You're thinking, why the hell does he keep posting all this crap aboot hockey? Cause this is Michigan. And here in the 616 it's hockeytown west. We're all crazy here. Don't worry, though. By the end of this week Lord Stanley's Cup will be decided for one more year and I won't have any excuses left to skip another race.

La Grand Vitesse

2009-06-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Fresh on the heels of last night's debauched ride/bachelor party for "Van Candy" Dan, there's a lot going on this weekend.

For starters the Western Chapter of the MMBA has organized a trail work dat at Luton Park. The plan is build 1-2 miles of new trail this weekend. The trail network at Luton is quickly becoming a local gem. Check it out.

The Hanson Hills Challenge is Sunday June 7. Hanson has long been one of the best XC events of the Michigan racing calendar.

There's a skinny tire highway bike race this weekend too. The Duck Lake Time Trial is Sunday.

The biggest event of the weekend is the Grand Rapids Festival of the Arts. Here everyone refers to it simply as "Festival." If you've been craving Elephant Ears (funnel cake) cruise downtown this weekend to the Calder Plaza. But don't ride your bike. The police have been ticketing and harassing cyclists downtown for years during Festival weekend. Amazingly, after 40 years of closing the center of the city to cars one weekend every summer the powers that be still don't get it when it comes to bikes.

The center piece of Festival every year is one of Alexander Calder's pieces which resides in downtown Grand Rapids. The sculpture was the first piece of public art commissioned with public monies via the National Endowment of the Arts. While the sculpture is classic Calder, few of the locals even know that it has a name, "La Grand Vitesse." Around these parts most folks just call it "The Calder."

For a small city there is a lot of art in Grand Rapids. There's a brand new Art Museum. There's the sculpture park at the Fred Meijer Gardens, which is hosting a Calder exhibition that focuses on La Grand Vitesse. There's also the Urban Institute for Contemporary Arts, as well as Kendall College of Art and Design. Despite all of those institutions, it's Calder's sculpture that has become a visual icon for the city. So much so that it appears on everything, including the city's logo and flag.

Keep It Real

2009-06-03T02:59:00.000-07:00

You wanna get to heaven? Mail me a $100. Or better yet use my Paypal account, cause most of my mail is junk and I rarely open any of it. Just don't fuck with Michael Dean Damron. Cause that dude is the real deal and something tells me he doesn't take well to being messed with.

Talk about the "real deal", I'm hoping soon to catch a new flick called Veer, a documentary about the growing urban cycling culture in the United States. There's a little piece of that culture festering here in the 616. Like the Tuesday night group rides at the brewery. And the Wednesday night road racing out at Gratten Raceway. And there's the over active local chapter of the MMBA, which just hosted Midwest Mountain Bike Summit. But there's also a lot of hipster kids getting into the swing of things. There's a weekly fixie night ride downtown, and they've found the Youtube and figured out how to sell T-Shirts online.

It's hard to tell how much of the "new" cycling culture is here to stay. I've seen a lot of trends come and go. Trends can vanish overnight. Skinny jeans and American Apparel Ts will disappear one day soon. But it's unlikely that it'll take the rest of our cycling culture with it. The folks who dedicate their time and energy into fighting the Horse Menace have already shown that they're in it for the long haul. Some of them have been fighting the good fight since the 1980s. Something also tells me that the commuter guy who rides down my street every morning at 7 am and every evening at 6 pm isn't riding his bike to work for the style props.

Like Michael Dean Damron belting out wicked tunes, there are those that will forge on for the love the bike. They ride because they have to. It becomes who they are. It keeps them sane. At the same time the trendy bits of cycling culture can't totally be written off. While a lot of those fixie kids will probably finish school and put away their track bikes in favor of conformity and suburban sunrises, some of them will get hooked. Like a punk in a high school garage band they won't be able to let it go.

On top of that there's the reality that can't' be ignored. The dominance of the car culture is on the wane. Peak oil, global warming and a seriously screwed up global economy may have finally turned the tide. Change will still come slowly. But it feels almost inevitable that car culture, once driven by the dominance of General Motors, will never been what it once was. Public transport and human powered transportation will fill in the gaps. The flavor and feel of cycling culture 20 or 50 years from now is anybody's guess. But when we finally get there I hope people look back fondly on these times, when cycling was small, fun and still something of a counter culture.

Until then, keep it real and don't forget where you come from.

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

2009-05-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, before Facepage, Mybook, Tweeter, Youtube, blogs and vlogs, before iPhones and texting and all that other crap that sucks up everybody's time and energy, people acted differently than they do today. People went about their lives assuming that nobody else gave a rat's ass about them. Yeah sure, your mom cares and maybe your girlfriend too. But all those 6 billion strangers out there certainly didn't. Back then people went to work, watched the teevee, took vacations, joined bowling leagues and just plain lived their lives. That was OK. Life was good.

Somewhere along the way something when horribly wrong. The first glimpse we all had of the decline of humanity was the MTV show, The Real World. In 1992 the show was an interesting novelty. The "cast members" seemed like real people. They didn't seem to be all that self conscious of their own celebrity (until afterwards). I remember that a year after that first iteration of the show the cast was appearing in ads for a car dealership here in Michigan. And of course, anybody my age probably remembers how Eric Nies went on to become a big star on MTV with shows like The Grind. Reality programming spawned fame. Big mistake.

The first time I noticed the peoples' need to turn the minutia of their everyday lives into entertainment via the intertubes was when I first stumbled across Anacam. Anna Voog was the first legitimate "cam girl." Her 24 hour web cam started as an art project and continues to this day mostly unchanged. Click on Anacam.com and you still see the webcam in her apartment just like you could in 1997. In a lot of ways her online "journal" was a companion blog before there were blogs. Back then shoddy web cams and telephone modems made the whole experience buggy, slow and a little weird. By the early 00's so many web cams had hit the web that "cam girl" came to mean porn, and legit artists like Voog were becoming hard to find over the clutter of the web and newcomers gunning for celebrity like Tila Tequila. Everybody wanted their own slice of the Reality TV fame, and the web was going to give it to them.

Now don't get me wrong. I love the Intertubes and I love me the blogs too. There's some good stuff out there. For instance, sites like fatcyclist.com are a lot better than your average blog. Bloggers like Drunkcyclist.com offer a point of view and a perspective that is refreshing AND unnerving. My point here is that "reality" internet content is good when it has a freakin' point to it. Just like most magazines suck, most blogs suck too. There are a handful of newspapers with editorial pages worth reading, like The New York Times. But there are a lot more that suck, like The Grand Rapids Press. There is only one Ana Voog in the world because there are only so many good ideas out there, and most people don't have them. The difference with today versus yesterday is that the the web allows people to pretend that their ideas are good.

Which leads me to this group of lame ass turds I first stumbled upon at bikesnobnyc.

Albion in the Gloaming from Albion in the Gloaming on Vimeo.

I don't know what's more annoying, hipsters wearing the word "gloaming" on their sleeves or the idea that going to Europe with a backpack and a bicycle is an original enough idea to create a multimedia site around it. What started with The Real World almost two decades ago has gotten all wrapped up with hipsterism. And the result is countless Youtube videos exposing the fact that hipsters are the worst type of pathetic posers.

The fact that a couple of suburbanite morons are recording their upper middle class "holiday" in Europe is about as insipid as the fact that these NYU students think that shopping at Urban Outfitters and wearing skinny jeans is changing gender relationships and transforming the world. Reality TV gave everybody the idea that anybody is interesting. Everybody is a celebrity. On top of that the internet and modern technology helped create a potpourri of modern pop culture where everybody talks about "meaning" in their style and life choices but nothing really has any meaning. Meaning is fame. Meaning is being number one in Youtube views. Meaning is being the next Eric Nies.

Oh the humanity! What to do? It's like the internet needs a bullshit filter.

By the time MTV got around to filming the The Real World in Chicago's Wicker Park the locals and neighborhood activists were primed to go apeshit crazy.. It seems that the reality TV world has come full circle. So much so that the last cast of The Real World went into it knowing that they had to deal with haters:

"The Real World: Brooklyn" cast-members believe it's a real shame people are already judging them.

The show debuts on Jan.7, so America has not yet met them. And even before they had set foot in Red Hook in August to film the show, local residents were already harping on the negative images of seasons' past: sex, drinking and public rowdiness.

"We'd hear, 'Oh, it's Fake World. You guys suck,'" said roommate Scott, a 23-year-old personal trainer and model from New Hampshire, who is one of the eight "RW" guys and girls (yes, it's eight this season).

"This one guy in a bar said we were a virus," Scott said. "So I walked up to him and said, 'Really?' You don't know who I am."

I can only pray that in the near future the same backlash that now plagues The Real World will somehow manifest itself online. It's as if the internet needs a Critical Mass to remind everybody how pointless most internet traffic is. Or maybe these days it would have to be a Flash Mob.

There are plenty of great things to find out there on the web. Sometimes virtual reality serves up an interesting slice of actual reality. I'll give you a great alternative to the Albion Gloaming idiots. Check out Where Are You Go, a flick debuting at this year's Bicycle Film Festival if you want to see a truly interesting bike trip.

R.I.P. Jay Bennet

2009-05-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

In 2002 my friend Derek Phillips interviewed Jay Bennet for Gloriousnoise.com. It's an interesting read for Bennet and Wilco fans. You can find the it here.

Bennet was brilliant songsmith and musician. He will be missed.

Haters & Hot Links

2009-05-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

Horse fight keeps on going and going. Now they're poaching trail at Cannonsburg.

No brainer tips for avoiding bike theft.

New York is becoming a "cyclist's paradise," but Toronto is going to Hell.

Get some Obama money for riding your bike to work.

Yes, driving a car is dangerous. So buy a "motoring helmet" and stay safe!

The Obama government is resurrecting the crusade against bike saddles. For the protection of taints everywhere!

What!? You've got mountains of cash and you want to look as cool as Julien Absalon? Well then, load up your wheelbarrow with Benjamins cause the new Sram XX will set you back $2,300!!!

Memorial Day 2009, Never Forget

2009-05-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

The picture above is from Map The Fallen.

This Memorial Day I would like to share with you a personal project of mine that uses Google Earth to honor the more than 5,700 American and Coalition servicemen and women that have lost their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have created a map for Google Earth that will connect you with each of their stories—you can see photos, learn about how they died, visit memorial websites with comments from friends and families, and explore the places they called home and where they died.

This is amazing project and a great way to connect the public with the human cost of America's wars in the Middle East. One can only imagine what such a map, with links to personal information about each lost soul, would look like if it included the tens of thousands of innocent people who have also died because George Bush lied.

Memorial Day Weekend Roll Out

2009-05-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

Levi in 3rd after the big TT. Can he take the lead? Can Lance fill Horner's shoes on the climbs?

Last week's race at Bloomer, the first XC event in the Michigan NORBA Series, was delayed do to flooding. Bloomer 2.0 will take place this weekend. Bring your scuba gear.

Update your blog, Hecklejack!

Das Tour of Fankenmuth takes place on Saturday (5/23). While you're there, don't forget to visit Bronners!

The Horse Fight heats up! Will wealthy horse owners somehow manage to destroy mountain biking in the State of Michigan with one poorly written law in Lansing?

Red Wings vs. Blackhawks game 3 tonight! The Beard Is Back!! Head on over to The Wings website and rate the chin whiskers of some of their biggest fans. Like this guy! I gave him "5 pucks."

Bombs over Ponzi Scheme

2009-05-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

I was chilling to a cool summer breeze here at the pad tonight. Suddenly, there's some crazy ruckus!

Can you describe the ruckus?

Yeah, sounded like 4,500 bombs.

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (WOOD) - Amway is putting on a downtown fireworks show Thursday night over the Grand River that a representative says will double the size of the Fourth of July show.

The fireworks will celebrate Amway's 50th anniversary and are slated to begin at 10:15 p.m. About 1,400 visiting executives and manufacturers are expected to attend. The show is part of a series of private events, so the public is discouraged from coming downtown.

Nice! Scamway puts on a fireworks show right in front of the Ford Presidential Museum with a big "F You" to the community.

Thanks for nothing, DICK!

Horse, the other red meat

2009-05-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

The weather has turned. It feels like summer. That means cold beer and steaks on the grill:

It turned out to be pretty awesome--a sweet, rich, superlean, oddly soft meat, closer to beef than venison. I put some slices over a salad of arugula with olive oil and a splash of lemon juice and some caramelized onions. It was like a livelier, lighter braseola.

It's not that I don't think killing horses is cruel. It's just that I think killing chickens, pigs, sheep and cows is equally bad. Morality based on aesthetics is pretty shallow. In fact, the only weird part about eating horse was that, unlike with bacon or rib eye, we kept picturing the animal, which was kind of gross. Nonetheless, until I decide to stop my less-than-noble practice of eating other animals, I've got little choice but to order up some more horse.

I can think of a lot of things to do with a horse. One thing includes a bachelor party in Tijuana. I hear they're good for pulling wagons loaded with shitty beer. Pony rides at the State Fair. How about horse clothing?

One thing horses are NOT good for is the condition of trails in lower Michigan. While mountain bikers have learned over the years how to build and maintain trails on this soil, the sandy consistency of the Earth in these parts makes it easily churned up by horse hooves. Riding or hiking on a trail that gets a lot of horse traffic is like traversing a loose sandy beach. Both hikers and cyclists require a firm trail tread. Sustainable trails for cyclists here means careful trail construction and lots of TLC by countless volunteers throughout the summer months.

Equestrians are doing everything they can to wreak those trails. The latest battle line is Fort Custer, where a very active local chapter of the MMBA maintains 20+ miles of multiuse trail. Equestrians have always had access to the trail network, but two other horse specific trails nearby have kept conflicts with mountain bikers to a minimum. That quickly changed this year when cyclists built a short stretch of new singletrack at Fort Custer. Equestrians are enjoying the new trail so much that it's becoming unrideable for bikes:

Rode the re route on the Green loop yesterday and was troubled by the damage caused by horses riding the steep drop portions and caving parts of it in. Why do they feel that they have the right to ruin trails that were put in by mountain bikers for mountain biking? They have plenty of other areas that are not so sensitive to ride at the Fort but they insist on riding the most technical areas of the trails and damaging them severly with their 2000# rototillers. Met another rider who crashed on the damaged area and destroyed a expensive front wheel due to the horse riders lack of common sense. I'm also getting tired of having horse crap flung onto my water bottles and clothes. What about parade bags? Do we crap on their yards and driveways?

No, we don't crap in their yards. In fact, I don't even let my dog crap in the yard. I walk my dog twice a day and carry a pooper scooper every time. Steaming piles of excrement are something best not left in yards, on sidewalks or even on trails at the park. Hell, is wrong (and against local laws) to leave dog poo in the park, but it's just fine to drop hundreds of pounds of horse crap?

What's really got every one spooked isn't the destruction of trails at Fort Custer, it's a broader effort by equestrians in the State Capitol to open up all existing trails on state land to horses, and even to reopen trails that have long since been shut down and "reclaimed" by nature in favor of reroutes and more sustainable trail designs. House bill 4610 (R-Tim Moore) would do just that. Specifically:

SEC. 72114. (1) THE DEPARTMENT SHALL PRESERVE AND FACILITATE
THE CONTINUED USE AND ACCESS OF PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS ON ALL
STATE OWNED LAND WHERE THERE IS A HISTORICAL TRADITION OF USE OF
PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS. ALL TRAILWAYS AND OTHER AREAS ON STATE
OWNED LAND THAT WERE OPEN ON MAY 7, 2008 AND AVAILABLE FOR USE BY
PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS SHALL REMAIN OPEN AND ACCESSIBLE FOR USE BY
PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS. ADDITIONALLY, ALL TRAILWAYS AND OTHER
AREAS ON STATE OWNED LAND THAT, PRIOR TO THIS DATE, WERE AVAILABLE
FOR USE BY PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS SHALL BE REOPENED AND MADE
ACCESSIBLE FOR USE BY PACK AND SADDLE ANIMALS.

What does that mean? It means that if equestrians were using a given trail or trail network 10, 20 or 30 years ago they'll have guaranteed access to it again. Imagine the shit storm that would ensue if Cyclists crafted a law to allow access EVERYWHERE they may have once had "historical" access.

Shit Faced Weekend Preview

2009-05-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

Scientists finally tell us that kids like to get hammered! Duh!

Detroit turns a filthy alley into a rail trail and the Trehuggers are pissed off. And a lot of Mountain Bikers who live in the suburbs are pissed off too.

This weekend is the Tour of Kensington, for all you roadies.

Get your NORBA license out for Sunday's Bloomer XC race. Part of the Tailwind USAC MTB Series.

This weekend is the Cannonsburg Game Area trail work day. If you want to see what a great job local trail volunteers are doing, check out the before and after pics from the recent Luton Park Trail work.

Game one of Red Wings Vs. Blackhawks is Sunday 5/17.

I can't wait!!!

Spaghetti and Meatballs

2009-05-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

FYI: Spaghetti and meatballs isn't even an Italian dish. In Italy they never serve a meatball on top of a plate of spaghetti. They have great wine, though. And the dudes there wear $500 shoes and live at home with their mothers until they're 40 years old. No joke. They know how to live.

European cycling is like single Italian guys. Sometimes it's too good to be true.

Checking out today's Giro results I noticed an article on Velonews titled Tools of the Pro Tour mechanics. It's an interesting piece of fluff. Until I started actually sort-of wrenching for the LIttle Lady I thought all pro mechanics were set up with shit loads of Snap On tools and a rig full of fancy ass spare parts. Like NASCAR or F1. Turns out those euro freaks have some homemade stuff in their tool box. Like fancy homemade truing stands and work stands. The most interesting tool though was a butter knife which was being used by a naked fat guy who wrenches for Astana!

Away from The Boot, The Belgian Federation has Boonen's back. How is it that testing positive for Cocaine isn't a doping violation? It's DOPE!

The UCI statement said: "Following the control ... on the Belgian rider Tom Boonen, which revealed the use of cocaine, the UCI President Pat McQuaid has decided to refer the matter to the UCI Disciplinary Commission.

"The behavior of Tom Boonen, even though it does not constitute a violation of the anti-doping rules, can be considered unacceptable (Art.1.2.079) and liable to harm the image, reputation or interests of cycling or the UCI (Art. 12.1.005).

"This infringement is punishable by a suspension of 1-6 months."

All I know is that if I blew a drug test at work they'd fire me for the cocaine and wouldn't care about EPO or cortisone. Do you still want to believe? Well, check this out: an expose on Telekom, the doping years 1995-2006:

The findings of an independent commission have broken new ground on systemic doping on one of the sport's most successful teams. It has been revealed that two doctors from the Freiburg University Clinic ran an organised doping programme for the enormously successful German Telekom/T-mobile squad from 1995 to 2006. Cyclingnews' Susan Westemeyer reports.

Is it my imagination or does Telekom's stool pigeon, Patrik Sinkewitz, look a lot like Chris Kattan? Mango!

2009-05-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

Along with hundreds of pounds of mud caked to my truck, I seem to have brought a nasty cold or sinus infection or whatever back from Tennessee. I'm not surprised. I'm prone to what Mark Hendershot would call wussitis. A little putrid pasture mud and rain and I'm fracked. Now I'm flat on my back and home early from work. No evening hammer ride for me tonight. I'm on down time. All the better, cause tonight is the season finale of Lost. The pounding in my head makes me wanna do something old school, like call the local barber/veterinarian/doctor and have him get the toxins out. I'm speaking metaphorically here, of course. Better to let the Sudafed do its job.

More and more the bicycle blogosphere seems to be hitting on the impending wave of Dutch City Bikes coming our way. Not content to stay out of the fray, the Grey Lady is chiming in.

But City Room isn’t quite so sure that the masculine, messenger-centric bicycling culture is ready to embrace a style of lumbering, erect bicycling-riding that is reminiscent of, well, Pee Wee Herman.

Either way, 200 Dutch-style bicycles are coming to New York as part of the 400th anniversary of the Henry Hudson’s landing in New York City. Not just any Dutch bicycles, orange Dutch bicycles. “Very orange,” as the deputy mayor, Robert C. Lieber, put it at a ceremony introducing the bicycles.

Will the hipster fixie kids embrace the upright posture and civility of european city bikes? Sounds like a bad question. As trendy as the fixie craze has been it's only been a trend. And a trend for a relatively small number of people at that. Very very few people ride bikes in this country. Especially here in the heartland. And messenger bikes, whether reclaimed vintage frames or new single speed versions from Redline or Cannondale will never be seen as accessible or practical by the general public.

Yeah, initially I'm sure that some of those annoyingly precious hipster chicks and their emasculated boyfriends will plop down a couple of grand for a Jorg & Olif or a Velorbis. But the truth is that city bikes require that you actually live in a city. A city that's built around them. They don't move very fast. These bikes are usually three or five speeds. They're designed to be ridden slowly in normal street clothes and shoes. Not in congested vehicular traffic. If your commute is 5-10 miles through busy suburban or city streets one of these city bikes might not do the job. You'd be better off with a Shimano 10 speed rear deraileur, drop bar and set of panniers for your work junk.

I'm rooting for bike share programs in American cities. A metropolis like Gotham might be a good place for these Dutch machines. But out here in the midwest we don't even have simple public transportation. No subways. No light rail. No fancy commuter buses. There's one Amtrak train that comes through my town and goes strait to Chicago, but you aren't allowed to bring your bike or even a checked bag onboard. Don't even get me started on the lack of bike lanes here.

Civilized european style bikes won't take a firm hold here until the cities in which we live become more civilized. If we're going to get around on what is essentially a fancy slow moving cruiser bike we'll need a more civilized city. We'll need to live closer to our destinations. We'll need more bike lanes and bike only roads. More racks. A more comprehensive public transit system to fill in the gaps. After all, if so many of us live in the suburbs, we can't really ride our city bikes 30 miles to work downtown.

Until then I'll keep riding my Surly Long Haul Trucker to the bar.

Muddin'

2009-05-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ain't nothin' like mud. Wallow in it. Roll in it. Rub your bum in it. Some mud is better than others, though. Some mud is good for makin' bricks. Some mud is good for mud pies. Some mud is good for racin' trucks.

DS&G Blog Roll..........

Cyclingdirt.org has an insane amount of videos and coverage of Dirt, Sweat & Gears 2009. You want photos? They got photos! You want videos of helpless people in the woods freaking out about killer mud. They got that too.

Danielle Musto was humbled by Tennesse's rich native soil.

Cyclingnews.com has a write-up of the race.

Dicky is scarred for life!

Some moron in Oregon has nothing better to do.

Harlan Price is a fucking rock star!

Jeremiah Bishop bummed a Kenda Karma off me Friday night and used that freakin' tire to win a bike race! (but he may not have updated his blog yet, so check back later)

Eddie O finally made it out of the woods.

Namrita has lots of muddy pictures, and one of me.

Got more updates on the race? Post em in the comments or send me a link.

In the mean time, WTF is up with Tom Boonen? Reminds me of Jan Ulrich's prophetic words:

"I can appreciate now what I didn't see before, that I'm not going to be young forever, that If I am going to win the Tour, then it would have to be within the next three years," he muses. "But I never wanted to win as many Tours as possible, full stop. It's more a question of getting to the top of the world hierachy in the sport, exploiting my talent 100 per cent."

Maybe all these guys never listened to Nancy Reagan. Just say no to drugs you dopes!

Hell Is A 12 Hour Mountain Bike Race

2009-05-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from what I can only call the most horrible trail conditions I have ever seen at a 12 or 24 Hour race.
But don't take my word for it. Listen to the guy who won...

The Little Lady showed off the trail conditions up close and personal.

Dirt, Sweat & Gears has gained a reputation over it's few short years of existence. It's a well run event. Great atmosphere. Big cash prize purses. it draws a stacked field of pro endurance racers from all over the United States. The trail is on private land in Fayetteville, Tennessee that includes pastures and a clay covered wooded and rocky ridge. Funny thing about clay. If you pour water over it for hours and hours and days and days you get an insane sticky slop. "Peanut butter" is what I often hear mountain bikers call it.

I got news for you. That crap wasn't JIF!! And the only way to protect yourself against it was to stay in the pit area and wear protection!

Since we just arrived home I've got a lot of gear to stow before I get to bed. I'll Post some updates, links and photos tomorrow.

Cycling Fail

2009-05-06T02:53:00.000-07:00

Around these parts The Detroit Red Wings are the top of the sports food chain. A winning team year after year. The kind of Dynasty not unlike the New York Yankees. You want to get your ass kicked? Go into any bar around here wearing a Mighty Ducks jersey. Is there a parallel in cycling? Maybe CSC or Telecom (before doping finally blew everything to hell). Or maybe Johan Bruyneel and his succession of teams. In the past decade his riders have won Le Tour 8 times, plus the Giro and Vuelta. In the cycling world the guy is Lou Holtz, Bo Schembechler and Scotty Bowman all rolled into one.

Crazy to think that Bruyneel's team is flat broke! Not even paying their riders. Busted. Kaput. Cyclingnews says it may be so bad that the team might not make it to The Tour de France this year!

The Astana cycling team may be getting its Giro d'Italia campaign underway, but its future in the sport appears to be under question. According to the website Sports.kz, the team is under real threat of financial collapse and has a week to sort things out before the International Cycling Union (UCI) withdraws the professional licence.

In April it was reported that riders had endured a period of time without payment of salaries, but that the Kazakh cycling federation would cover the overdue amount while it was waiting for the team backers to pay up. However the financial problems have lingered and it is now understood that the team must receive $2 million in the days ahead in order to replenish the UCI bank guarantee. That guarantee has been depleted, presumably to pay overdue salaries.

This shows how screwed up cycling is. The constant hunt for money and sponsorship. Unlike franchise team sports like Football and Hockey, cycling is constantly chasing the money. Imagine the Detroit Red Wings making it to the Stanley Cup Finals and announcing that they don't have the money to fly to the games and pay Chris Osgood.

Crazy days. We'll see how bad Mr Armstrong wants to ride in France. He may have to foot the bill.

Dog Bone F-g Michigan

2009-05-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

Poor kid. Probably thought he was some kind of local hero with a public access show in the Detroit suburbs and a chance to interview Black Flag. OOPS! Gotta give the kid some credit, though. Back in the day I'd have shit my pants if Henry Rollins got up in my face like that.

Monday morning and another weekend bites the dust in "dog bone fucking Michigan."

Bob Ashby, a Right Wing Jerk in Holland, thinks Barack Hussein Obama is going to destroy humanity and everyone will have to have an abortion. He's been ranting about Liberals for forever. But he's probably just still pissed that Ottawa county allows beer sales on Sunday. Check out the buckets of crazy in the replies to his column. Send him an email if you want: rhajla@comcast.net

There's an election in Grand Rapids on May 5. Lots of local stuff going on. Since only the Geezers vote in these local elections, will grandma and grandpa support the schools? There's a Bus Rapid Transit system (BRT) on the ballot. Seems like a good idea, since Grand Rapids destroyed it's streetcar system 60 years ago there hasn't been much of a public transit system. Of course, like all things in the 616 area code, the Reich Wing is shitting bricks and wants you to be afraid...be very afraid.

The results are in from "The Fort." I had an acceptable day at the races, back down with the rabble in the age groups. Had a nice lead going and my 1x9 gave up on me. I have all the accoutrements on board my rig to keep the chain in line, but the damn chain has a mind of it's own. Took me a lap to get back the lead. I once watched Chris Etough win 24 Hours Nationals on a 1x9. Maybe I need a pit crew to keep that chain on. Oh wait...I AM THE PIT CREW.

Once again Christian Tanguy threw down some serious hurt on all the rest of them "elite" guys. The dude is fast. Scary fast. Nice to see old man Meyers was not far behind. Gotta respect the old man who can throw down on the trail and still put down some good quality beer afterwards. Did you know that the old man Meyers got fancy new glasses?

Ain't if funny how that Bells MTB Team color matches the Smurfs?

Pig Flu Friday

2009-05-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

Rightwingistan wants to warn you that Pig Flu is terrorism.

If Neil Diamond is the Jewish Elvis, who the hell are these morons?

There's a mountain bike race on Sunday. Proceeds go to the Southwest chapter of the MMBA.

There's a kick ass road/dirt road race this weekend. Cone-Azalia is something of a right of passage in these parts. We used to call it "Michigan's Paris-Roubaix." But we can't anymore cause Michigan now actually has a Barry-Roubaix! If you can tolerate a horrible soundtrack and shakey camera work, here's a video preview of the Cone-Azalia course:

Last week the New York Times published a fluffy travel article about the North Country Trail, which called it a "foot path" and never once mentioned the fact that Congress designated it a multiuse trail or that the Trail Nazis in Lowell are trying to kick the rest of us off public lands we've been using for decades.

Speaking of Trail Nazis, the right wing nut job Federal Wildlife Officer over at the River Rant still hasn't turned the comments function of his blog back on. More than two years after taking his ball home so nobody can play, it still seems pointless to have a blog that nobody can comment on. Fear is the mind killer, dude. Be afraid...be VERY afraid!

Not all cities can hug themselves as hard and tight as the homogeneous liberal bastian of Portland, Oregon. They got the cool real bad. Like Voodoo Donuts. And some kind of communist European train that goes down some road downtown. 7,000 bikes a day cross a bridge in that town and every one of those riders wears a helment! If safety is your idea of cool, move your unemployed lazy ass out there NOW!

Brainless Buckets!

2009-04-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT? You don't wear a helmet? What the hell is wrong with you? You probably share heroin needles, practice unsafe sex in public bathrooms and shake your baby to stop it from crying. I bet you kick your dog too, you scumbag!

I'm here to tell you folks that there are people all over the world who don't wear helmets when they ride bikes. Yeah, it's true. Check out Copenhagencyclechic sometime. While you'll find plenty of pics of fresh young Danish beauties riding their Euro city bikes in high heels, you won't see many helmets in any of those gorgeous photos. Are the Dane's idiots? They're thinner and better looking than most of the folks here in the Midwest, so they can't be all that stupid. Try counting the helmets in this video of rush hour traffic in Copenhagen.

I'm not advocating for people to ride sans brain bucket. Au Contraire mon fraire. I say to each his own. If you aint' hurtin' nobody else I shouldn't give a rat's ass. If you want to risk becoming the next Gary Busey, be my guest. Maybe Doctor Drew will write you a script for Depakote too.

Treehugger has a post up today that blathers on about helmets. Not much new there. They restate the fact that helmets protect your noggin if you fall and it's safer to ride bikes where bikes have their own infrastructure, like in Denmark or the Netherlands. But they do link to this John Stossle bit from a couple of years ago.

John Stossel is a world class dick, but he did at least talk to Ian Walker, who authored a study in the UK that showed drivers were more likely to steer clear of riders who weren't wearing helmets. Walker concluded that cyclists pimped out in their fancy kits look more "professional" and therefore might not need to be avoided. Tell me something, does this guy look professional to you?

I'm hear to tell you people something. Either Ian Walker got it all wrong in his UK study, or more likely drivers here in America have a whole other way of looking at cyclists. You won't sell me on the idea that drivers in Michissippi crowd cyclists on the roads because they think fancy race kits and helmets prove the cyclist is capable of handling it. Hell no! They routinely run us off the roads because every cyclist they see looks to them like our friend in yellow tights! All those douche bags in mini vans and morons in their BMW SUVs look at your spanex clad rump as they drive up from behind and what they see is a homoerotic reminder that their mind strays to certain carnal thoughts more often then their rigid sense of their own sexuality should allow. Yeah, when they see you riding your tricked out Trek Madone and matching Astana 09 team kit, they want to run your ass over because they think you're gay.

You can argue with me all you want that most drivers aren't homophobes. And I'll tell you that most of them don't try to run me off the road. All it takes is an occasional jackhole to prove to me that Michigan has earned it's 3rd place on the list for Hate Crimes in these 50 States.

Does this mean that we shouldn't wear our club jerseys and helmet while riding to the Quickie Mart for a forty of St. Ides and a bag of Hot Stuff chips? No. It means that we need more infrastructure for bikes AND we need to stick up for our LGBT brothers and sisters! Put your Lid on, wrap your ass in spandex and get out on the roads! The more of us the better. Strength in numbers. Just like the Danes. The bigots are fast becoming an isolated minority in this country. Let's push them along a little faster.

Git on your bike and ride!

Monday Morning Roll-Out

2009-04-27T04:45:00.000-07:00

The little lady pulled a podium spot last weekend at the Cohutta 100! She led the field early on, then suffered through a couple of mechanicals late that almost forced her out of the race.

Speaking of the Cohutta 100, mad props out to Jeff Schalk, who smoked the field on Saturday. The men's top five: Shalk, Bishop, Beck, Eatough, Simonson. Carey Lowery posted her first win on her home course, taking the women's overall. Not sure where my man Garth ended up. He was probably too drunk to answer his phone when I called him. Official results are now online.

Hecklejack ALMOST repeated at the Athens Twilight Crit, but settles for second.

What did you do at your office on Earth Day? Probably not this.

It's been 3 weeks and this knuckle dragger is still a worthless POS.

Maybe the hipster fixed gear craze is forgivable, but ain't no way I'm gonna roll with these guys.

The little lady and I do a lot of traveling. Not as much as some, but more than most. A lot of it is in our truck, which is comfortable enough. But after a week or more on the road I'm ready for home. Knowing what it's like on the road I gotta wonder what it's like to live for 4 years with your wife out of a set of panniers on a recumbent tandem?

Speaking of homeless people. Be on the look-out for this drifter. It's been reported that he's somewhere in the Pacific Northwest after evading capture in Fruita. Rumor has it that he's been scamming Social Security checks from little old ladies. Don't let him near your grandma!

T.G.I.F.

2009-04-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

The Breeders - Fate to Fatal

Enjoy the weekend!

Mitten State Weekend Preview

2009-04-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

So you got time to kill this weekend and you're not one of the 10% of Michiganders who is unemployed? You've got money to burn and a Chevy Silverado full of gas to get you somewhere? Or maybe you ARE unemployed, but you're on the dole and living the High Life? At least till the unemployment runs out.

Uncle Bob's Magical Mystery Tour kicks off in Waterford, Michigan this Sunday (4/26). Uncle Bob has been hip to cycling almost as long has he's loved The Dead. That's a lot of love. Expect to see the RV and tent parked at the trail head all weekend. The Pontiac Lake Time Trial is the first race in the Tailwind MTB series this year. Beware! It's USAC sanctioned, so bring a bucket of money to buy a license.

There's a Mountain Bike Crit race at the BMX park in Bland Crapids on Saturday (4/25). If you're in the 616 and don't want to drive all over this sandbar of a State you can hit this race up for only $15.00!

Quick Release is hosting a spring training criterium (that's a skinny tire bike race) in Ann Arbor on Sunday (4/26). If anybody makes it to A2 stop by Grizzly Peak and pound a pint of Stout for me.

The Western Chapter of the MMBA is hosting a trail work day at Lutton Park (east of Rockford) And the Ionia Rec Area on Sunday (4/26).

Game 5 of the Griffins v. Bulldogs AHL first round playoff series is Friday Night (4/24) at The Van. The series is tied 2-2 and McCarty is still in town and playing with the Griffs. The Red Wings swept Columbus last night so you can save that $500 you hid from your wife for playoff tickets at The Joe and head to downtown Bland Crapids for some playoff hockey. Get there early and tip a few at Hop Cat, which has the best on on tap beer menu in the State.

Road Kill, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Deer Meat!

2009-04-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

I got home last night with just enough time to squeeze in a 2 hour loop of pain north of town on the the roads. Everything went fine for the first half hour. As I crested the top of a long hill on Pettis out in the bucolic hamlet of Ada I noticed 5 or 6 does sprinting through a field (er..I mean McMansion subdivision). Up ahead a minivan, driver with cell-phone glued to her ear, was cruising along in the opposing lane, oblivious to the small herd.

I had just enough time to realize that I was going to witness a massacre, but no time to react.

The first doe made it across the road unscathed. The second was not so lucky. It went headlong into the front quarter panel. Then it arced up up into the air like a que ball bouncing off a break. Just when I started to realize that it's trajectory had radically changed, the airborne sack of venison steaks smashed into my left side.

WTF?

Somehow, I managed NOT to crash. It glanced off my hip and shoulder, winged me, and ended up in the ditch in a twitching pile, about 50 feet from where it met it's end.

I quickly circled around to check on the driver of the grocery getter. She had pulled her mangled Chrysler Town & Country off to the side of the road. "Are you OK?" I shouted into her now open driver's side door. I had to repeat myself twice. She was still on her phone! Continuing on with some inane conversation. Apparently something was more pressing than the fact that she just totalled her car. She gave me a dirty look and said, "what do YOU want?"

"That deer that you hit flew through the air and hit me."

Without even acknowledging what I said she continued on with gossip session on her Crackberry.

The world is full of Stupid People and most of them have a cell phone stuck up their ass.

616 The Number Of The Beast

2009-04-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

In all of North America there is only one 616 area code. Only one place defined by the number of the beast. But isn't 666 the number of the beast? Nope. That was some stupid clerical error. Or maybe it was trickery? Who knows. But it can't be chance that the Headquarters of Scamway ended up in the 616, or that the 616 is the childhood home of Gerald Ford! What more proof do you need?